the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
they're like a gay fantastic four
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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