I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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