there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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