gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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