he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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