He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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