Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
