Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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