I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
