these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
