i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
