I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
