Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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