I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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