it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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