How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
