well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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