Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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