I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this boner is exhausting
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize