I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
