I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
3 2 1 whiskey
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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