Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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