I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
