Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My penis needs a shock collar
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
