I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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