why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
