I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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