In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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