I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
