Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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