the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
