i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
