Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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