a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
