If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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