Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
