It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize