If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
