My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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