No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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