those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
