i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
