My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
