At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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