i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
