1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I understand Curling. That high.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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