And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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