It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
