we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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