and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
