hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ugly people sure do ruin things
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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