Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize