I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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