Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
