ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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