Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
