just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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