so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
