Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
