He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
