party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
