When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
