we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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