my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You took a bar mat shot.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
