Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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