i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
MIDGETS
????
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
