i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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